it’s like that again.
i keep feeling like i’m stuck in this alternate universe that is high school. lol. fuck high school! seriously. haunting my dreams and everyday life.
it’s weird but after a long conversation with my bff kevo yesterday, i realized that my high school nostalgia is taking a turn for the better. in a way, i’m filtering all the bad memories/lessons and helping myself. but i’ve been feeling so weird, those senioritis jitters (oxymoron, lol) have hit me again 4 year later. but this time, i feel a drive to be successful. i’m out of my depressed funk i have been in for the last 4 months or so.
i don’t know what i’d be doing if i wasn’t majoring in philosophy. i remember i was so sure i’d be a marine biologist… oh the things you think in your teen years. it’s so funny that i didn’t even kno wtf philosophy was in high school. honest. the closest thing we had to philosophy was my ap literature class which entailed the likes of camus, kafka, and a little bit of greek mythology. but really… who thought those things i read would play such a big role in my life? the things i took in (my interpretations) were all incomprehensible even for myself. i never knew people could think in such a different way like i could.
then i took my first philosophy class in college… and my life changed forever. it reminded me of when i was 13 and sitting in my religion class at sunday school. i always questioned my teachers the meaning of life, souls, spirits, morality, ethics, etc. i always wondered what else there was, and how other people think/live their lives. i’ve always been that kid that wondered too much about shit that she shouldn’t even be worrying about at that age. i’d literally wing every exam i had for the first 3 philosophy courses i took and would get all a’s/b’s in all of them. everyone would bust their asses memorizing ethical theories as i just sat there and played video games all fucking day.
but just because you’re exceptional at something, doesn’t mean you’re meant to do it. but philosophy was different. i suddenly felt like i got something other people didn’t. i felt like all these dead men i was reading about had so many things in common with me. how could we understand each other even though we’re disagreeing? this is not religion lol. but that’s how my life changed…
i didn’t see people the same, and i still don’t. existentialism ruined my life. single-handedly! i have camus, nietzsche, and kierkegaard to blame. i go into this phase or mindset rather, where i literally am just living for myself. yes, i care for everyone i love, but i go into these selfish little funks (damn you, will of individualism). but this whole high school traumatic bullshit i’m going through + my haunting of l’etranger has made me feel home with myself again. i now can handle myself better than anyone i know. and i can’t even recall the last time i’ve felt like that.
then again, i’m constantly asking myself if i’m going mad. but if madness is genius, then i’m game to be completely bonkers.
