push.
so what is it that helps us move on from certain situations/incidents that affect us? it’s the drive to be a better person, the drive to be strong, and the drive to strive and find self-worth.
i don’t know about other people, but i’m the kind of person where when someone has wronged me, i just like to push it aside. i’d rather indulge and concentrate on material things than to focus on how i’ve been hurt. i have this self-affirmation that everything is all gravy and i am happy. but that is honestly the worst thing i could do to myself, and it took me a while to figure that out.
i don’t know what it’s like to have a truly, honest, companion (romantic-wise). i am not saying i’m the perfect female to be with, but i am the way i am because of how i have been treated in the past few years. i, once in awhile will take a trip down to memory lane and think about where we went wrong. i used to always think that i care too much, i smother, and i don’t understand. but i now realize that i tried to understand too much, and any good gf would care too much from the get go. i truly have a female’s intuition; i know i am being played and/or cheated. i’ve caught the 3 last people i’ve been involved with playing me. it’s kind of funny because i’m known as the master snooper amongst my friends. hey, i wouldn’t need to snoop if you weren’t hiding anything and being sketchy in the first place! i’ve learned that friends can lie to your face, “family” (who isn’t exactly blood) can be as dishonest as the cars salesman down the street just to favor their own blood, and people who “love” you can act the exact opposite.
and that reminded me… i H A T E that feeling. when you think you’re significant other is hiding something, or just not being totally honest with you. probably the worst feeling on the planet besides disappointing your parents. it’s like your heart is wobbling all the way down to your empty stomach, and you cant feel your arms or legs. your mouth gets all dry, and you’re just kind of confused.
i am over every single person i’ve dated, but being reminded of their unfaithfulness just builds up this flame in my head. the hurt i’ve endured, i can still feel it. we are all human. we can all forgive, we can try to push everything to the back of our heads… but we know it’s still there lingering. it’s good to just reflect on it once in awhile and appreciate your life now… and pray to God that won’t ever happen again.
my little rant of the night. not really a flow or a lesson… but rather, just a bit of what’s been floating in my head for the last hour. bahhh…
